ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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