i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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