Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize