If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
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Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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