well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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