At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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