im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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