"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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