Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's get the cat blown out
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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