Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
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Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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