Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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