That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
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Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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