i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just found a bag of teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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