Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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