1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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