I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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