chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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