I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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