pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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