youre lurking in front of me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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