My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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