You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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