Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I supernannyed him into submission
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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