Where did you get a picture of my penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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