the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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