im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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