I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pooping to opera.
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