I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we made out on top of his cat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
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Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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