I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
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we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I smell like Dick and happiness
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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