did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize