I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
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Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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