im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
