How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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