oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize