I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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