are you so shy because you have an std?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize