I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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