u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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