Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize