i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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