So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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