So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
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When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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