i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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