onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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