I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
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Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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