Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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