Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
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