Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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