I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
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Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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