He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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